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Today I want to tell yu about why I don't like going to Ireland anymore, even wen Daddy goes there, to see his familee.
1) Run Over
On my ferst visit to Ireland we went to visit my Unkol Brian's shop on a hill called Ennistynen. Grand-dad Poppa cuddent park so we just jumpt out the car and went into the shop. Well, when I say WE went into the shop, I mean everybody ELSE went into the shop, I just lay in the road being confewsed as Daddy had just dropped me.
I got up an ran about looking for the shop I was meant to go in, calling for my childline-nominee parrents, and then it went all dark. Wen I cayme to, I was lying in a puddle of white beads. Then I realised that they were coming out of my bum. Well, I had no idea that my bum beads were white an so I faynted. It was sum time layter wen Grand-dad Poppa's car cayme bak up the hill and Daddy jumpt out and cayme and got me. Mummy was very upset wiv him, and they spent a whole day in Limerick looking for beads to put back in my bum.
Until they found sum, I couldn't be operaytid on. SO insted I had to wear safety pins in my arse which, as well as being just a tad undignified fer a person of noble Bearidge, itched like a camel's armpit.
Yes, afrayde so. On my second visit, a posse of Daddy's nephews jumpt on me at Granny Ireland's house while my parrents were distractid, again being less than vigilant in their Bear-protekshon dewties. Led by a small wun hoo goes by the nayme of "Owen" and the letters ov "Eoghan", I was grabbed, wrestled to the floor ov the Dining room and held prisoner while the yung hoodlams had this note delivered to Mummy:
Then Daddy traced the writing to Eoghan and his evil co-conspirator Patrick, and rather than pay the extortionate ransom of one cent (am I the only wun that finds that offensiv?) tickled them to the carpet until wun ov them squealed where he'd hidden me.
This photo is ov Eoghan, the organizer ov the crime. I hav had to black out his eyes fer legol reasons, as I havent got round to sueing him yet.
Anyway, it always amuses me, every year, wen Daddy books to go to Ireland and terns an asks me, "Are you coming wiv me, Bob?"
HHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAA
I can only think he has me inshored for a lot, an fer wunce I don't mean choklit peanuts.
Bye fer now!