Crismoss is comin an Mummy's gettin fat...

Scores since Saturday:

• Gills: oh, don't.
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: yes
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10 haha! /10
• Overall Score: 7.169374289 /10
• Advent calendar pikcher: Saterday: it's either an angel agen, or a laydy standin too neer the fire. Sunday: another bloke wiv a scroll. Today: 3 kings ridings llamas. Altho, Mummy sez they're camels, but if they ar, they're the funnyest lookin camels I've ever seen. Not that I've seen that menny, but I cud still dror a better wun, eevn tho I've ownly seen very few ov 'em.

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!


Yu may recall that on Saterday I sed that if Gillingham dident beet Bournemouth ov all peepol, seein as they wer bottom of the leegue, then I wud chew my foot:

Nuff sed.

Moovin on....

Mummy has been feelin "kwite bloated". This is wat she calls it wen she carnt get into her big jeans. She has 2 kinds ov jeans: normal jeans an big jeans. Big jeans ar for just arfter Berfdays, Easter an Crismoss. Well, sheez a tad worreed as it is the week BEFOR Crismoss an she carnt get into her fat er, I meen, big jeans. We think it may hav sumthing to do wiv the way she ate 15 eggs in less than a week.

It's troo. Larst Munday she mayde herself a 3-egg omlet. Then the next day she got up an thort, "Well, blow me! I fancy another wun!" an so she ate another 3-egg omlett. Then the next day the sayme thing happend agen, an the next day, an on till Friday. 15 eggs in all. (An yet she still mannidges to poo mor than wunce a day. Yu hav to admire her dedycayshun.)

Enyway. I thort that at leest this wud meen the cakes an biskits we got in fer Crismoss wud be safe. But oh, no! She sez she has to test them to mayke shor they ar good enuff for Crismoss. So far she has tested her way throo 3 Walnut Whips, 1 box of Marks and Spencer's Choccie Biccies an 6 Eccle-fekken Tarts (it's not a phrase I lernt at football, that, it's reelly wat they're calld.) At this rate we will hav the most tested an refined Crismoss Feast on record. I bet there's been royalty that hassent had its Crismoss fare tested kwite as well as we hav.

Still. This duzz meen that Crismoss is reelly on its way now. Did yu notiss my new Crismossy stationery at the top? AND! Weev got the tree up!

We bort a real wun. It had been dug up for Crismoss larst yeer but no wun bort it. So the peepol at the farm left it in its pot all yeer an as it dident die, we bort it, thinkin, this is ALIVE an therefor will not SHED it's prikly fingers all over my carpet an get into small soft paws. Hmmm... I'll let yu kno how that theory goze. Meenwile, heer ar sum pik's from this eevnin:

Ferst, a littol fetilizing to help it.....

Ta-daaahhhhh! Hang on! It looks bigger than this in reel life, onnist!

We bort theez angels wen we wer in Ireland. They hav shamroks insted ov wings. Ha! They ar too hevvy to put on the tree tho, so I've stood them at the bottom.

I jus wish to hav it on record that I had nothing to do wiv the choyse ov this angel, wich Mummy an Dilly sneekt into the howse wen I wassent lookin....

Dilly is fassinaytid wiv the woolly snowflakes an carnt understand wy she carnt eet them.

Heer's me an Sam. I like to sit an stare at the lites on a Crismoss tree, an sam has never seen wun befor. So we apent sum time this eevnin just relaxin underneeth it....

Bye fer now!

PREZZIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no- but weer playin today, so get yer lukky bloo pants on! Wa-heyyy! Weer playin Bournemouth (full nayme, Born Mouthy Scum) an they're bottom ov the leegue, so if we carnt beet THEM, well, if we don't, I'll chew my foot.
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 8 -wat can I say. He had a good teecher. /10
• Day Score: 7 ish/10
• Advent calender pikcher: Peepol millin abowt wiv tea-towels on their heds. Look, if we don't get a Bear, or a dog, or or or sum cayke or choklit or a snowman or sumthing soon I'm jus not goin to play anymor. Wun ov Dilly's skwares is in the sky. Sheez hopin for an airoplane. I think sheez gonna be dissapoyntid.

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Look wat the Postman brort me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW! It's presents from Phytheas an Chalky!!!!

It sez I can open them befor Crissmoss Day. That's good, cos this is all very eggsytin fer a small Bear, an if I had to wayte that long, my bum mite jus berst! Wat's inside, then?....

....a card to all ov us! Wiv Eskimoze an husky-dogs on it! Cor! I bet they're lookin for snowy Bears! And.......

hehehe! Look at that rappin payper! It's got Bears wiv beer! An wun ov em's calld Bob!

Wat's inside?.......... hehehheeeeeeeeehhehe! A Crismoss stokkin!!!!!!!!!!! Wayte! Wayte! Wat's next?

oh my! Look wat Chalky mayde me! My very own satchel! WOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Wayte! Wayte! Wat's in it????
A Bear badge!

Oh boy! Oh boy!

Thank yu so much, Phytheas an Chalky! This is so fantastik! WOW! I reelly reelly like theez so much! WOW! I carnt wayte to try owt my bag!

C'mon, Mummy! Let's go shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye fer now, evrywun! Wa-heyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anuther new Bear!

Weekend's scores:

• Gills: YES- we played Port Vale, wich issent eevn a playse!!! An we lost 2 - 1 cos they're cheatin scum.
• Simpsons: nope
• Tesco: yes, fer petrol
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 5 (waz traynin new Bears, an let them win a few times.) /10
• Overall Score:7 ish /10
• Advent Calendar Pikcher: Saterday- laydy on a donkey an a man wiv a stik; Sunday- Man carryin cheez on his hed. Onnist, it waz.

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Well, me, Daddy, Grayum an the new skwotter, Mulligan, dropt Mummy off at Granny's an then all went to football. We lost. An it ternd out to be Mummy's fawlt, as she dident ware her Lukky Bloo pants. She sad she had washt them the day befor an they wer still damp. Wat kind ov excewss is that? They wud soon hav got dry wiv the warmth of the buttok area. Wimen! Onnistly! Sumtimes I jus think they carnt think ov stuff.

Enyway....

Wen we got bak to Granny's we diskuverd that a new Bear had arrived thare! He is a small Grizzly, an got there in his very own tardis all the way from Alaska. He brort his own salmon wiv him, too:

His nayme is Sam J. West.

Grayum went to meet him:

"Hullo! I'm Grayum! How do yu do?"

Granny bort sum carrot cayke speshly for us:

Sam is on a mishon to discuver things. So far he has discuverd carrot cayke (an wat happens wen yu try to nik my bit), cats, cars, tunnels, an pants. I introdewst him to the latter myself.

He has discuverd camras, too, an he duzzent like them. He seems to get spookt by them:

Well. He has come home wiv us. Dilly is a tad mifft abowt this, as she sez 2 mor Bears iz 2 Bears 2 menny. Mind yu, she also sez that 2 is 2 menny 2, let alone 2 2 menny. Not that she reelly knows wat 2 is. An theez 2 dident eevn bring her eny bows.

But it's been kwite fun, now I'm over the shok ov their appeerants, to teech them abowt frolickin pants, an serprize nose-hugs, an "Bear! Not-a-Bear!", an sneekin up on Dilly, an all that sorta thing.

An I've been tellin them bowt things to avoyd, too, ov corse. Wich brings me to a kwestchun from Ms Creek an A.bananna, abowt wat a Vomit Sok is.

Well peeps, a vomit sok is baysickly wun ov Daddy's yewsd soks. Wun day, wen mummy waz eetin cheese (wich she luvs, but Daddy haytes an I ownly like wiv Marmite on toast) he sed, "I jus don't understand how enywun can eet sumthing that smells like my feet!" To wich Mummy replyd, "But yor feet don't smell ov cheese, darlin, they smell ov vomit."

Hence, "vomit socks". See also, "Guard Socks".

Bye fer now!

Advent's comin!

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: yes
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10! Daddy's hert his bak an carnt moov very farst now/10
• Day Score: 7.8156549825-ish/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Good Lor! Iz it reelly Monday since I larst postid?! The weekend must hav been eevn mor eggsytin than I ferst thort!

I spekt yu'd like to kno wat's been hapnin rownd heer since.

Well, daddy had a poo an haz hert his bak. I hope the two events wernt relaytid but I wassent present at either so I carnt be shor.

Meenwile, Mummy mist her appoyntment at the dentist cos she fell asleep. She had been up all nite, an waz tryin to do a "keep awake till the next bedtime to stop becuming nokternal" stint, but mayde the mistayke ov sittin by the fire in frunt ov daytime TV. Faytol.

An as fer me, well, me an Dilly went shoppin an got our Advent calendar. Heer it is:

I kno they hav theez in Yorrup (I kno becos this wun waz mayde in Germany hehehe!) but do yu get them in Amerryka or Ostraylia?

They hav 24 windoze. Yu open wun eech day from Deesember the 1st, an it cownts down to the nite wen Santa comes. There's a littler pikcher inside eech windo. The moddern wuns hav choklits inside eech windo insted ov a pikcher. I wantid a Simpsons wun an Dilly wantid a Dr Who wun, but Mummy sed we can ownly hav pikchers an that weel get choklits at Crismoss. Poo!

Me an Dilly tayke it in terns to open a windo. I get all the odd numbers an she gets the eevns. This is coz ov her likin fer the number 2. I explayned this mor wen I waz talkin abowt larst yeer's calendar. Hav a reed ov it heer if yu like!

Mummy's let us put it up on the mantelpeece erly, but we carnt start till Saterday. I'll add a diskripshun ov eech day's pikcher to my daily scores tabol. Ooo I carnt wayte to start the cowntdown!

Bye fer now!

Mummy's Berfday pikchers

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: too bizzy fer this/10
• Day Score: 8.231/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Ferst ov all, I hav to say hullo to Angela. "HULLO ANGELA! I hope yu mannidge to reed my Bear English!" Heer she is-

Angela is the laydy hoo carfterd us at the "Lemon Tree" restront larst nite. She haz a son calld Robert! Wat a grayte nayme! She waz luvley! She liket me; she sed I waz cool an brort me choklit puddin on my own playte!
It waz such a verry big, thik choklitty puddin, Daddy had to help me owt:
Dilly choze the blakbry cheesecayke. It cayme wiv a flowery thing on it. I've notist this- if the puddin haz eevn the hint ov sumthin helthy, it gets flowers an stuff put on it. This is a cleer sine that it is fer gerls.
Dilly ternd it into a bow:
Mummy waz happy:

she got lots ov presents. Mine waz best, an I told her to open it ferst!

I'll tell yu abowt the pressies tomorro as I carnt get the masheen to loade up eny mor pikchers rite now. I think I shall hav to giv it a kararty chop! Meenwile, I'm off to help Mummy bayke a big carrot cayke! YUM!

Bye fer now!

OK, rayne, we herd yu, yu can stop now.

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no... will the seeson ever start agen????
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: still too snotty rownd heer. I told them that. I told ALL the Bears it was suspendid. I did. It dident cownt wen Grayum got me in the Thunder Shelter. Cos it waz suspendid. So it dident cownt. Dident. Dient dident dident dident dident. So ther. /10
• Day Score: shut up /10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Now look, it's July rite?

I'll say it a bit lowder.

IT'S JULY, RITE??????????????????

Rite.

So what's the sky doin like this then, on a July arftanoon in Sunny Colchester, wun ov the sunniest towns in Ingerland cos it sez so in the book from the trayne stayshun?

View from front of howse, upstairs:

View from back of howse, upstairs:

IT'S THE SAYME BLINKIN' CLOWD FRONT AN BAK!!!! IT WAZ THAT BIG!!!! It got so dark the street lites startid to com on.

An it got LOWD.

We Bears laid low in a pile of freshly lornderd pants. (She carnt get them dry owtside lately, so we find rows ov 'em, rows an rows of 'em, all rownd the howse, dryin. Well, a gud frolic will help the prosess, won't it? Yu see, I knew yu'd agree wiv me. I wassent makin a mess. An I never told her I wantid her to wash them all agen. I was helpin, see.)

Granny, down in Kent, sed that the rayne got so mad it was lyke sleet, an an an yu cuddent see throo it, an sumwun took a foto ov it an sent it in to the local news. Nothin much happens wher she livs.

Everything is growin, reelly reelly farst, reelly reelly big. Evrywher is overgrown an yu carnt get out to cut it, OR EEVN PLARNT YOR MARRYGOLDS. If the rayne duzzent stop soon Ingerland is goin to be a new rainforrest.

An yu kno wat THAT meens.

Reptiles.

Oh, don't eevn get me STARTID.....

Koalas eat poo! IT'S TRUE!!!

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: Lost 5-nil
• Simpsons: no
• Tesco: yes
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: still a bit too snotty for this/10
• Day Score: shut up! /10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Gillingham played Carlisle (full name Carlisle Cheating Scum Utd), who obviously bribed the ref cos they got 5 goals an had wun of our players sent off. We were so stunned we fergot to score, so we should hav been given a re-match, if there was eny justis in the werld.... It dident help that Mummy dident wear her new Gillingham Pants. So it was probly all her fault really.

ENYWAY..... The day was saved by my finding out yet another fasinating reason why koalas are not-a-bears. Namely, THEY EAT POO. And real Bears wuddent do enything as gusting as that. (Now look, yu wuddent like it if sumwun said that a member ov YOR family ate poo, wud yu? I carnt stress it enuff times: if yu don't want to offend yor Bear, DON'T call koalas "Bears".)

IT'S TRUE! I found out while watching a programme called QI an it's chaired by Mr Stephen Fry and he duzzent do lies. In fact, he wrote a whole book about Bears in Peru. An I've been to Peru, an any friend of a Peruvian Bear is sumwun to be trusted. Here's his book, by the way:

An here is a link to the ferst ten minites ov the QI episode featuring the disgusting Koala not-a-bear and his curious poo habits. Enjoy!

Bye fer now!

Weekend Report Part 1

Weekend's scores:

• Gills: yes- I suspect that Mum dident wear her new Gillingham pants, as we lost- to Nottingham Forest (full name, NottingScum Forest-so-bad-a-bear-wouldn't-poo-in-it)
• Simpsons: no
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10/10
• Overall Score: 8.1/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

It was St Patrick's day on Saterday, and, as the mor nose-observant ov yu will know, I'm an Oirish Bear. But I'm also rarther SMALL. Imagine my eggsitment, then, wen I discovered that Guinness comes in Small-Bear size cans!-

Small-Bear size can! (Hey! Where'd my shorts go?)

Obviously I dident get to drink it all, as Daddy's clan harks from Guinness-Land too. So I had to share. (Which issent really sharing at all, wen it involves "having to" share. I keep telling them that, but they don't get it....)

Bye fer now!

Carselling

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10
• Day Score: 8.1286/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

We went to tayke foto's of Colchester Carsol. I rode in Mum's rucksack. I'm a very observant Bear, and as yu hav seen laytely, kwite an artist, so I knew she wud need my help in getting sum good shots. Heer's der carsol:
I wantid to pose in sum of them but there were lots ov skool kids moving about in herds, so I kept under cover. Dident seem to bother this cat though, and Mum took about 3,000 pikchers ov it:

I was kwite pleased to get back home to the Window-Sill-Bear-Familee an watch the Simpsons, which was all about Lisa.... (ahhhh......). Not keen on carselling. A bit too dragonny, really.

This weekend we're off to Granny's cos Sunday is Mother's Day, so we've got presents for her. See yu all Monday!