The not-so-Charmin campaign

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Today I want to tell yu a bit about my campayning. There is a brand ov toylet paper that has pikchers of bears all over it. YU NO HOO I MEAN. Here is wun ov them:

I understand that this familee ov bears now hav a luxury log cabin in the forrist wiv bilt in choklit peanut dispensers. But at wot price? Examin yor conshonse: how wud yu like it if every time I did a poo I wiped my bottom on pikshurs ov yor familee? There! See? Not nyce is it? Hoo nose wot desperashon drove theez bears to this. So I wrote to the peepol hoo make this bottom-wipin-slander. Daddy re-wrote it fer me into Human English. Bear readers unfamiliar wiv this strange creol, yu may need a translayter:

<ukmisc.im@pg.com> I am a small, albeit loquacious, bear, and
it has recently come to my attention that the toilet paper used by my (adoptive) parents, and manufactured by your company, carries the image of bears. I'm sure you can imagine the trauma and shock that this discovery caused me. I would respectfully point out that when my species retreat to the woods to do what is necessary, we are not in the habit of wiping our bums with photo's of
humans, and I would expect a reciprocation of this basic courtesy. In the package bought by my parents, there were, by my calculation, some 4,320 images of bears driven by who knows what tragic
desperation, to demean themselves thus, but I consider your taking advantage of their straitened circumstances in this way to be detrimental to inter-species relationships. I would, therefore, ask you to reconsider this marketing practice. I look forward to your reply, and hope that it will not prove necessary to undertake litigation. Bob T. Bear Esq.

Ha! Got dem, right? Wrong. This was their reply:

From: ukmisc.im@pg.com

Thanks for your E-mail.I'm sorry but unfortunately we are not able to respond to email messages sent to us by people under 14. If this applies to you, please ask one of your parents to contact us
regarding this and I'll see if I can help.If you are aged between 14 and 17 years of age we need to know that you have your parent's permission to contact us before we are able to answer any query.If you are in this age group can you please confirm that you have this permission and reissue your first E-mail.

Thank you,

Consumer Relations

I think they must awl be politishon types cos they're just stalling an not answering me. Enyway I tryd agen:

To <ukmisc.im@pg.com>

Re your email (attached). I don't know how old I am in
human years. I'm a bear! But my mummy says that in human years I probably AM a teenager. I hope this helps and that you will send an answer. This is a serious issue. Quit stalling.

Bob T.Bear Esq.

After a few days ov delaying, this is wot the foul fiends came up with:

From <ukmisc.im@pg.com>

Dear Bob,

We were very interested to receive your email as,being a bear, we thought you would be hibernating by now. Do take care and keep
warm. Regarding the Charmin Bears, please be advised that they are very happy in their work and no offence is meant in regard to toilet habits. Thank you for taking the time to draw your concerns to our attention.

Consumer Relations.

Wot patronising-bottom-wiping-reprobates!

Dear Readers, go now an inspekt yor bathroom. Look at yor toylet rolls. Men, yu may never hav notist befor, but there ar diffrent brands. Now ask yorselfs: are yu wiping yor bottom on bears? I leave it to yor conshonse as to wot to do next.

Bye fer now!