WARNING: This blog is ritten in Bear English, wich is phonetic. An that is mor than yu can say abowt the werd "phonetic".

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The not-so-Charmin campaign

Today I want to tell yu a bit about my campayning. There is a brand ov toylet paper that has pikchers of bears all over it. YU NO HOO I MEAN. Here is wun ov them:

I understand that this familee ov bears now hav a luxury log cabin in the forrist wiv bilt in choklit peanut dispensers. But at wot price? Examin yor conshonse: how wud yu like it if every time I did a poo I wiped my bottom on pikshurs ov yor familee? There! See? Not nyce is it? Hoo nose wot desperashon drove theez bears to this. So I wrote to the peepol hoo make this bottom-wipin-slander. Daddy re-wrote it fer me into Human English. Bear readers unfamiliar wiv this strange creol, yu may need a translayter:
<ukmisc.im@pg.com> I am a small, albeit loquacious, bear, and
it has recently come to my attention that the toilet paper used by my (adoptive) parents, and manufactured by your company, carries the image of bears. I'm sure you can imagine the trauma and shock that this discovery caused me. I would respectfully point out that when my spe
cies retreat to the woods to do what is necessary, we are not in the habit of wiping our bums with photo's of
humans, and I would expect a reciprocation of this basic courtesy. In the package bought by my parents, there were, by my calculation, some 4,320 images of bears driven by who knows what tragic
desperation, to demean themselves thus, but I consider your taking advantage of their straitened circumstances in this way to be detrimental to inter-species relationships. I would, therefore, ask you to reconsider this marketing practice. I look forward to your reply, and hope that it will not prove necessary to undertake litigation. B
ob T. Bear
Ha! Got dem, right? Wrong. This was their reply:
Thanks for your E-mail.I'm sorry but unfortunately we are not able to respond to email messages sent to us by people under 14. If this applies to you, please ask one of your parents to contact us
regarding this and I'll see if I can help.If you are aged between 14 and 17 years of age we need to know that you have your parent's permission to contact us before we are able to answer any query.If you are in this age group can you please confirm that you have this permission and reissue your first E-mail.
Thank you,
Consumer Relations

I think they must awl be politishon types cos they're just stalling an not answering me. Enyway I tryd agen:
Re your email (attached). I don't know how old I am in
human years. I'm a bear! But my mummy says that in human years I probably AM a teenager. I hope this helps and that you will send an answer. This is a serious issue. Quit stalling.
Bob T.Bear Esq.
After a few days ov delaying, this is wot the foul fiends came up with:
Dear Bob,
We were very interested to receive your email as,being a bear, we thought you would be hibernating by now. Do take care and keep
warm. Regarding the Charmin Bears, please be advised that they are very happy in their work and no offence is meant in regard to toilet habits. Thank you for taking the time to draw your concerns to our attention.
Consumer Relations.

Wot patronising-bottom-wiping-reprobates!
Dear Readers, go now an inspekt yor bathroom. Look at yor toylet rolls. Men, yu may never hav notist befor, but there ar diffrent brands. Now ask yorselfs: are yu wiping yor bottom on bears? I leave it to yor conshonse as to wot to do next.

Bye fer now!


Mummy said...

Bob, when I say 'you're being a teenager' I don't mean you to take it literally. I think you're about 8 in human years, ok?

beth said...

Hi Bob - We have Charmin here in the U.S. too. And you are right, I have been wiping my bum with bears - how insensitive on my part. I am soooo sorry. I had to apologize to my own bears too. Some of which would like to write to you. I am thinking I may help them set up their own blog soon or maybe they can just have one and share it. Get back to you soon! Keep up the good fight! It is obvious you have those dastardly Charmin people pooping in their pants by now. HEHE
Solidarity is key!
Beth Not a Bear

B.T.Bear Esq. said...

I am glad yu hav startid der prosess of reconsillyashon wiv yor bears. My parronts hav given up der charmin practice too. But at ferst dey den went on to yewsing Andex an so wiping dere bottoms on small innosent puppys! Onnistly! So I hav to moniter dem very carefully now wen we go shopping. A plain white wiv a few flowerry motifs is kwite enuff, thank yu.
I hope yor bears do write or do a diary of dere own. Dit is fun being a diaryer.
Bob T Bear (esq)

Anonymous said...

Hi Bob, a very beautiful kind lady in france gave me your addy. What a wonderful site you have here. I too must hang my head in shame as I am guilty as charged on both counts of bum wiping with both bears and puppies, however your campaign has really brought home to me the insensitivity of supporting these Charmin and Andrex people, from here on in it will be plain I repeat plain paper I use. Lucky the bears have you to keep a keen eye on such misdemeanors. With you all the way on this one as is Wooky, hes my bear who lives on the pillow on my bed. Can he come to a pants party he asked me the other night when I was telling him about you and all your friends. Keep up the good fight.


B.T.Bear Esq. said...

Dear Audrey Not-A-Bear,
Thank yu fer tayking der time to write in my blog. I am verry glad to hear dat yu hav abandoned yor life of bum-wipe-slander. I'm shor Wooky is verry releeved. As fer comin to my pant partys, wot maykes yu think Wooky duzzent hav any ov his own? Do yu hav a pant dror where yu keep all yor pants together? Do yu ever find stray pants in other drors? Aha, yu see. Evidence ov a small bear having had a pant frolick. But he'd be verry welcome at wun ov ours. Best bring his own pants though as we all hav our favrits.
Bob T. Bear (esq)

Anonymous said...

Your such a wise bear Bob. This explains why I often find the missing pants in my daughters drawers and perhaps why my sons can never find any when they need them. Wookey's cheeks are looking a tad red at the moment. Do bears blush I wonder............... Secret pants parties indeed......Explains it all.......got to go and apologies to my children now.

Audrey( not a bear )


Margaret said...

I don't believe it- I too must hang my head in shame! I'll have to apologise to all my bears, and that will be a lot of apologising as I have collected quite a few over the years.
I will never be able to buy Charmin again. Which is a shame as it is often on special. LOL. But I know I just won't be able to get it out of the shop with a straight face.

Lynn said...

Teddy and Spaulding want us to stop using Charmin, but I have a question, and they just give me THAT look when I ask them -- The bears are only on the packaging, not the paper itself. I'm not using bears for my bum, do we still need to stop using Charmin?

Confusingly Yours,
aka Mommy to Teddy and Spaulding

B.T.Bear Esq. said...

Hmm.... well in the Uk it has BEAR pictures all over the paper! If it'sonly on the packaging where you are then it's ok to use it. Maybe they are finally starting to see the light!

Bear Power!


Sally Ferguson said...

Dear Bob T Bear, Esq.
I wonder if you noticed that the Bear on the picture of the package is happy? He has done a great service to all bears in being a spokesman to the world. What an honor to represent other bears to all of humankind!
Advertisers say that you have to catch people where they will notice you. This bear certainly is in a needed spot!
Hugs to you!