WARNING: This blog is ritten in Bear English, wich is phonetic. An that is mor than yu can say abowt the werd "phonetic".

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Advice on an impendin cat

I've reseevd an emayle from Little Ted, arskin fer sum advice. Heer is wat he rites:

Hello Bob, I have been enjoying reading your blog very much. I wish I could keep a diary too!! Anyway I have a problem you might help with. I live with lots of other bears and one not-a-bear. But just lately a ginger pussy cat has been spending a lot of time in our flat. The not-a-bear feels sorry for him as he's a little neglected. But I don't want this cat moving in and taking the place of me as chief hug giver. Plus the not-a-bear neglects the fact that she's allergic to the cat!! Well she's not allergic to me or the other bears so that's much better for her and for the hugs, don't you think? So what do i do about the cat?


PS, Attaching a photo of me and my friend Bert. I'm the one in the red jumper.

Hmm...well, Little Ted, that's a bit ov a pozer. As yu ar wun ov menny Bears in the howse, I suggest yu hold a General Howse Meetin Ov Bears immeedietly. Do so in a room wiv no TV an no pants, so that things get underway kwikly, wivowt distrakshun.

I think yor best way forwerd is (a) find owt wy she likes the cat, and (b) go on strike.

(a) Is it jus coz the cat looks neglektid? If so, scruff yorself(s) up as much as possibol, breev in so yu look starvd an hang arownd the fridge maykin groanin noyzes. It werks fer skoolkids evry Munday mornin, it cood werk fer yu. Soon she will be overcome wiv gilt at neglektin YU an will giv yu all her attenshun fer a wile. Hopefully Ginge will get bored waytin an find sumwun else to carfter him.

Iz it cos he is fluffy an soft? If so, roll yorself up in wun ov her softist jumpers, or her silkiest pants. Come to think ov it, this larst idea will mayke yu feel betta, enyway.

If it is jus coz she feels sorry fer him (femayles, speshaly, ar prone to this, I've notist) drag owt the Yellow Pages an leev them open on the "cat shelter" page. If ther is mor than wun page, pik the wun with the pik of the happyest lookin cats.

(b) As well as Cheef Hugger (wich I can see from yor fur, iz a post yu carry owt seeriosly an wiv due enthewsiasm) do yu hav eny other sponsibilitys? Like, fer exampol, I am tishoo-ishooer, navigaytor (on the dashbord on car jernys) an Keeper Ov The Shoppin List. If yu hav eny pozishuns on wich she relys, go on strike.

I'm afrayde yu mite hav to come to a compromise on this in the end. Cats do hav a way ov creepin in. Get yor side in ferst, kwik! Nayle yor demards to the dor ov the fridge. Or yews stiky taype, if this sownds too medievol. Yu shud inclood theez:

  1. that yor pozishun of Cheef Hugger is safe
  2. ginge gets his own bed (akchoolly this is REELLY important. Given their own freedom, cats sleep all over the playce, all the time. Mr Scooter, fer exampol, won't sleep in the sayme playce fer mor than a day. He sez he duzzent like playsis that hav cat hair all over them.)
  3. he duzzent get to yews yu as a pillo an yu don't hav to be his frend (I knew a Welsh Bear, Ivor, hoo befrendid a cat. His eers never grew bak.)
  4. Ginge gets de-flead (contray to the rewmor, the best anmols ar NOT the wuns wiv bilt-in lodgers.)

Hide rownd the corner an wotch as she reeds it. Wen she looks her giltiest, pop owt an mayke yor eyes reelly big. Never fayles. Sheel be huggin yu agen in no time. An jus rememba, YU wer there ferst. If she trys to tell yu that cats can be fun, tell her abowt Ivor, or arsk that Ginge comes wiv a saddol attatcht so that yu can go ridin, hav fun, an show him hooz boss from day wun!

All the best, LT! Good luk, an let us kno how it goze.


Mousie/Paisible said...

My sweetheart, ahhhhhhhhhhhh you are so wise, you gave little Ted such clever advices...really you should work on radio or tv and animate special programs to help people...as your little bear, give me five minutes...

Audrey said...

Such a wise bear, I can see you with your own t.v. show, something like Jeremy Kyle...only you'd be more interesting and attractive of course given he is not a bear xx

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

I wud giv yu 5 mitis enytime!
I'm off to investigayte yor blog.... (wat ar yu up to?!!)

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Iyve offen thort that "Jeremy" wud be a gud Bear nayme. Sum naymes ar like that, yu kno. Like Edwood, fer exampol, or Bob!

I think if I did the Jeremy Kyle show, my frends hav too menny teeth to kwolify bein gests.

Jhhee jhee!!

Audrey said...

lol Bob I like that one about the teeth..lol