WARNING: This blog is ritten in Bear English, wich is phonetic. An that is mor than yu can say abowt the werd "phonetic".

Monday, March 03, 2008

Mother's Day Attemptid Murder

Weekend's scores:
  • Gills: yes: we playd Yeovil (full nayme: Yeovil-grass-chewing-scum) but nobody got a goal. It waz 0-0. I think they wer all distraktid, all thinkin "I must get my Mum a card arfter this."
  • Simpsons: no
  • Tesco: yes- I had to go an get Mummy a card (wun wiv a bear on it)
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9.5/10
  • Day Score:4 (bein almost killd kinda taykes the shine off a day)/10


It waz Mother's Day yesterday so we all went to Granny's an gayve her a gerly-lookin card wiv cats on, a choklit cayke, a book an a T-Shert wiv sparkly flowers on it.

Mummy's brother, my Unkol David, waz there, wiv Arnty Stephanie an mor nephews. Theez wuns ar calld Alex an Dominic an ar kwite littol. I've met them befor. I yewzerly jus sit on a shelf an pertend not to be reel. This werkt for Dilly just fine yesterday: she got in wiv the dragons on Granny's shelf an went unnotist. But it waz a tad mor complicaytid fer me.

Well, az yu kno, yu can tell a Bear is reel by his kneez. My legs ar ov the fully-fledged bendy variety, wiv is a ded give-away. So I snuggold down in between a cuppol ov big cushons on the sofa, wiv them tukt in owt ov site.

I thort I'd be safe but I waz foyled by Dominic's bownsin-up-an-down-on-the-sofa eskapayde.

"Wat's he doin there?" he arskt his mummy.

"I don't kno!" she sed. An befor MY mummy cud reskew me he had me in wun hand an waz slappin my bottom wiv the other! What the? He sed that I'd been norty, hidin in the sofa.

Mummy got me off him an sed he wassent to hit me an that it wassent nice. Well, he sed, "Heez OWNLY a teddy!" Dam cheek!!!! An then he startid to punch me so I got him bak. Mummy warnd him I did karrarty but he wuddent lissen an he jus arskt for it. So I went PHWAR! an got him agen an as he rolld over I tikkold his bak till he gayve in an ran off.

I thort that waz it but heed just gon off for reinforcements: Alex, his slitely bigger an mor ginger bruther.

Well! They both sed that I waz JUST a TEDDY. They eevn sed that I cuddent talk, an that it waz Mummy "doin my voyce". Eevn wen she stufft her mowth full ov biskits, they still sed it wassent me talkin, -this time they sed it was Daddy! Wat nonsense!

Then we all had biskits. I got wun too. I waz starvin: must hav bin nerves. I ate it kwikly an I think that impresst Dominic as I herd him say to his mummy, "How did he eet his biskit?" HA! See? Ownly REEL Bears eet biskits!

Wen they got in their car to leev, I darnsed along their window to jeer at them. Inside, I cud hear Alex sayin, "Go on, Dom! Kill 'im! Kill 'im!" so I shook my furry ass at them.

Onnistly, I thort bein kidnapt by the Irish nephews waz bad enuff, but theez wuns wer werse! I wontid to put up a warnin poster abowt them but Mummy won't let me. So serfice it to say, if yor a Bear in the Walthamstow area an see two small gingery boys walkin abowt together, be on yor gard. Best swot up on yor kararty skills, just in cayse.


Asta said...

Oh My Bob!
I should have been thewe to pwotect you fwom those tewwible gingew boyz..what newve..calling you just a Teddy, and hitting you??
I would have bitten theiw bums fow you and they would have gone wunning fow theiw lives...honestly if you can't even twust welatives wheat's this wowld coming to?
Glad you'w safe now
Smoochie kisses

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Ahhh thank yu, Asta. It waz a terribol nerve indeed.

I think my bottom may eevn hav sustaynd a brewz. May I apply a smoochie kiss to it?


BumbleVee said...

rotten littol twerps!! I'da given 'em a swot or two mesself.... as I've been known to do with my own nephews if they do things like that.
Kids today..no respect! Never would have happened with us ..even as tiny kids, we knew bears had feelings. Our Mum said so.

david mcmahon said...

Hope you're better, Bob.

Did Granny have a good day? And you have an Uncle Dave? Now THAT"S a might fine name!!

Lynda (Granny K) said...

Oh no! Not ginger mingers! Glad you are OK now. Whew, lucky escape there, Bob.

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...


I agree! They wer rotters! Fluffy the cat ran upstairs an hid under Granny's bed. Granny sed that she waz there till hours arfter weed all left, paw thing! They hav no reespekt fer peepol smaller than them. Speshly furry wuns.


B.T.Bear (esq.) said...


Yup, heez SORTA calld Dave. His ferst nayme's reelly Frank but he prefers his secund nayme, Dave. An hoo cud blayme him. Altho Frank is kwite a good nayme fer a Bear.

I'm feelin better gradewly: I've been wiv Sam an Grayum most ov the day, wiv my therd-best paire ov hug-pants.


B.T.Bear (esq.) said...




Basically Bears said...

Oh heck Bob what a terrible ordeal for you.
Will you stay behind at home next time a visit is planned to see the dreadful duo?


B.T.Bear (esq.) said...


Hullo Buddy!

Yes, I think I mite stay behind an hind in the pant dror next time the nephews ar loose.

Reelly nice to see yu heer!


Shrinky said...

Oh Bob, you are such a brave little bear to stand up to your mummy's nephews like that. I had a cousin like that once. Not that I condone violence you understand, but he was as nice as ninepence after I finally beat the crap out of him. (I was only eight at the time, and I don't do that anymore now).

Well, not often. (Wink)

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...


I wish we livd neerer! I cud hav put up an emrgensy lite beam like on Batman, sept wiv a paw print insted ov a bat, an yu cud hav com over an bifft them wun.


velvetginger said...

It sounds like you have a great time!!! Happy Birthday to your Mum!

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...



But it wassent a berfday, it waz "Mother's Day". I think they do it in May in Merryka. But it's errly heer, a few weeks befor Eester.

Ooh! I've jus rememberd Eester! Gosh I'm all exsytid now! Hehehe! I luv bunnies, speshly choklit wuns!


Sharon said...

Bob, Bob! It sounds as if all those nephews are about to wear you out! Be careful! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Alex L said...

Close call Bob, lucky you escaped safely. Maybe you need to find a real high spot for your own sake next time.

Asta said...

Pleez apply the smoochie kisses whewevew necessawy and as often as you like..they'we magic and don't wun out!

Phytheas said...

Bob, that's terrible, just terrible. I never go near them, never.

Are you OK now?


mrsnesbitt said...

Hmmmm! nephews!
I had an issue wiv me nephews on Mother's Day too!

2 didn't turn up! AND didn't think of telling me!

Fortunately, Nephew number 2 did come...and HE IS my favourite!

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Hullo Sharon!

Nah, I got outta there just in time! Thanks goodness for my spy collige trayning! I was abol to get him wiv a FWAR! kik. Hehehe!


Meanie the baby dragon said...

OOOOOOOh Bob, datz tu bad wut happund tu u! Me hide in MawMawz awmpit wen dumwun meen wantz tu hut me! Der iz wotz ov skaywee peepow owt in duh wold hoo dont beweev in uz! Tikkowing iz duh bezt deefenz!

i beati said...

I have always admired your skills. karate for sure

Carol said...

kewl site Bob,
Thanks for visiting mine.

Stanley said...

Oh, Bobber!

Thank doG you know karate! If I had been there I could have sent some nasty Stanley gas their way as you shook your furry ass at them! Sounds like you did alright on your own, but it's always nice to have some backup. Next time you're going to see them, let me know & I'll grab a flight and be there for you... just in case.

I have to wonder, are your cousins just a little touched in the head? What's this nonsense about you being JUST a TEDDY? Sheesh. Young hoomans...

Goober love & relieved smooches,

San said...

Bob, I wish I had a way to look not real sometimes. How nice that would be to just blend into the surroundings.

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work for you this time. Here's hoping the dastardly nephews have learned their lesson. What presumptuous little ****!

Happy Mother's Day, retroactively, to Mum. Give her a hug for me.

Alf said...

Poor poor Bob. I hope you don't get night mares from your ordeal. As for not being a real bear - have they not read your blog! I think you're great. I will get some little furry friends of mine to write to you.

Liz x

Dirty Knees said...

Poor, poor Bob! I believe you're REAL. For sure I do,

Meanie the baby dragon said...

How u doin Bob? Me havnt hud fwum u oh Dilly in uh y oh! Howdy fwum Wyoming!