Mother's Day Attemptid Murder

Weekend's scores:

• Gills: yes: we playd Yeovil (full nayme: Yeovil-grass-chewing-scum) but nobody got a goal. It waz 0-0. I think they wer all distraktid, all thinkin "I must get my Mum a card arfter this."
• Simpsons: no
• Tesco: yes- I had to go an get Mummy a card (wun wiv a bear on it)
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9.5/10
• Day Score:4 (bein almost killd kinda taykes the shine off a day)/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

It waz Mother's Day yesterday so we all went to Granny's an gayve her a gerly-lookin card wiv cats on, a choklit cayke, a book an a T-Shert wiv sparkly flowers on it.

Mummy's brother, my Unkol David, waz there, wiv Arnty Stephanie an mor nephews. Theez wuns ar calld Alex an Dominic an ar kwite littol. I've met them befor. I yewzerly jus sit on a shelf an pertend not to be reel. This werkt for Dilly just fine yesterday: she got in wiv the dragons on Granny's shelf an went unnotist. But it waz a tad mor complicaytid fer me.

Well, az yu kno, yu can tell a Bear is reel by his kneez. My legs ar ov the fully-fledged bendy variety, wiv is a ded give-away. So I snuggold down in between a cuppol ov big cushons on the sofa, wiv them tukt in owt ov site.

I thort I'd be safe but I waz foyled by Dominic's bownsin-up-an-down-on-the-sofa eskapayde.

"Wat's he doin there?" he arskt his mummy.

"I don't kno!" she sed. An befor MY mummy cud reskew me he had me in wun hand an waz slappin my bottom wiv the other! What the? He sed that I'd been norty, hidin in the sofa.

Mummy got me off him an sed he wassent to hit me an that it wassent nice. Well, he sed, "Heez OWNLY a teddy!" Dam cheek!!!! An then he startid to punch me so I got him bak. Mummy warnd him I did karrarty but he wuddent lissen an he jus arskt for it. So I went PHWAR! an got him agen an as he rolld over I tikkold his bak till he gayve in an ran off.

I thort that waz it but heed just gon off for reinforcements: Alex, his slitely bigger an mor ginger bruther.

Well! They both sed that I waz JUST a TEDDY. They eevn sed that I cuddent talk, an that it waz Mummy "doin my voyce". Eevn wen she stufft her mowth full ov biskits, they still sed it wassent me talkin, -this time they sed it was Daddy! Wat nonsense!

Then we all had biskits. I got wun too. I waz starvin: must hav bin nerves. I ate it kwikly an I think that impresst Dominic as I herd him say to his mummy, "How did he eet his biskit?" HA! See? Ownly REEL Bears eet biskits!

Wen they got in their car to leev, I darnsed along their window to jeer at them. Inside, I cud hear Alex sayin, "Go on, Dom! Kill 'im! Kill 'im!" so I shook my furry ass at them.

Onnistly, I thort bein kidnapt by the Irish nephews waz bad enuff, but theez wuns wer werse! I wontid to put up a warnin poster abowt them but Mummy won't let me. So serfice it to say, if yor a Bear in the Walthamstow area an see two small gingery boys walkin abowt together, be on yor gard. Best swot up on yor kararty skills, just in cayse.