Kwestchun!

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: No, but weer playin today so pleez get yor lukky bloo pants on!!!
  
• Simpsons: No, but I've recorded it an I'll watch it layter wen Mummy an Granny hav gon shopping.
• Tesco: Yes!!! I rode in the trolley on top of the kitchen payper.
  
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9.26893 /10- I jumpt owt in front ov Daddy's nose but dident giv him a nose hug. However, he THORT I waz goin to an he waz very serprized that I dident. Tharefor, arfter extended negoshiayshuns, I got a 9.26893 by default.
  
• Overall Score: 8.0001/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!!!

My good Bear chums, Jerry an Ben, hav ritten in wiv a poser ov a kwestchun an arskt if I can help:

DeeR Bob:

Ben And Mee hav a kweston four You: what doo you think Bout Yucky Brussal Sproutts that Papa maKs you eet four dinner. Ben And Mee think they Be beary Yucky And stinky And wE think Bears nott hav to eet them. We wate four yor amswur, your pals, Jerry and Ben.

Hmmmm.... this is an intrestin wun! I must poynt owt that as Bears yu shuddent be mayde to eet or do enything yu don't want to do. It's like wen Mummy tells me I shud hav a bath. Well, I'm a Bear so nowun's the boss ov me! So I hope they ar not reelly MAYKING yu eet theez things.

As for sprowts themselvs, if yu cook them by steeming them, an grate sum nutmeg on them wile theyer cooking, this helps them not be bitter an yukky so mutch. Thare is also an entertayning aspekt to this ear-wax ov the vegtabol kingdom, an that's farts.

I speshly consultid my fart reference cards for yu:Ah! I fownd wun that spesifically talks abowt sprowts, an it's calld the SBD: Silent-But-Deadly:
Heer is wat it sez:

A good way to overcome a dislike ov sprowts is to begin to appreeshyate the distinktiv fart odor that they develop into... it starts harmlessly enuff, sidling up to its victims as if to say 'be my frend' befor delivering a repellent, demonic pestilence that'll cleer a room in seconds.

If yu reelly don't like the tayste, hold yor nose wile yor swallowing them. If evrywun else is eeting them too, hold on to that nose layter!!!

HEHEHEHEHE!!!!

I hope I hav helpt yor dilemma a littol bit.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Now...... GESS HOOZ BERFDAY IT WAS YESTERDAY?????
Winnie T Pooh's!!!!
He waz 85 yeers yung!
I sergest we all go arownd in just a T-shert an nuthing else all day (bloo lukky pants on heds, oviosly) in onner ov this grayte Bear!!!!

TTFN!!!

Bears an Air Travol

Hullo Not-A-Bears!

I've reseevd a kweery from a Bear regardin Air Travol:

Hello Bob T. Bear. My name is also Bob. My Roman name is Bobbus Bearus Maximus coz I'm kwite a big bear and I like Romans.

Wy, hullo there, Bob! It is always nise to heer from a fello Bear, an I see yu ar also a fello Bob! An may I tayke this opportewnity to compliment yu on such a fine nayme!

Anyway I woz hoping yu cud giv me sum advis as yu seem a very nowlijable bear. My frend who looks after me wants to take me on a airoplane at krismas so we can visit her famlee. But, her boyfrend says that coz I hav a voys box inside my body the peepol at the airport mite not let me go and mite unstich me or take me away and not giv me bak. So its safer if I stay at home.

Hav you herd of any other bears with voys boxes that have bin on a airoplane? Do you think it will be safe for me to go or shud I fone the airport and try and get a bear passport?

By! from Bob

PS I hope your marigolds are doing well.

Well, Bob, I do kno a Bear wiv a voyse box as it happens, an his nayme is Mr Grunter. He is very old an yewst to carfter Mummy wen she waz a littol gerl. But he has never been on a airoplane.

Mr Grunter: a Bear ov respektabol dottage. He acheevd his yewneek nose-shaype throo menny yeers of huggin.

So I went an arskt the laydy that werks at the Colchester Bear Adoptshun Senter. I'm afrayd she dident kno much abowt this either, an sed yor Mummy shud chek wiv the airport befor yu go.

We Bears had a diskushon abowt it, an we think that so long as yor voyse box werks it shud be ok. But sum Bears hav them an don't need to yews them enymor, so they don't mayke a noyse. Well if this is the cayse wiv yu, it mite be a bit dayngeruss to go. I meen, if a big fat Customs fella x-rays yu an sez, "Hullo, wat's that bit in the middol?" an yu say (wiv the voyse box) "It's my voyse box!" he'll jus say, "Oh, okydokey then, off yu go."

But if he spots the voyse box an it duzzent werk, then yu carnt proov it's a voyse box, an he mite think yor smuggling in sum speshol choklit or hunny or sumthing, and go an operayte on yu jus so he can steel it!

It is all very frytenin, but I kno yu ar brayve as yu ar a Bear. An a Bob Bear, at that.

So enyway we agree that yu shud get yor Mummy to call the airport an arsk them abowt it. Jus to be shor.

Regardin passports, yes, evry travlin Bear shud hav wun. Heer's a pic ov mine:

I had to blot out sum detayles, ov corse, wat wiv bein a spy an all.

Don't worry abowt those X-rays, by the way. They tickol a bit, but they're ok.

I'm sorry I havent been abol to help yu mor. Perhaps, if eny ov my reeders kno abowt voyse boxes an airports, they cood let us kno-???

Oh, by the way, yes, my marigolds ar still doin well! Heer is a foto I jus took ov sum ov them for yu. It's the middol ov the nite heer, so the foto's a bit dark. Sorry bowt that.
Bye fer now!!!

If yoov got a mo.....

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9.5/10
• Day Score: 7/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Just a short wun today. (I meen this post, not me, cheeky). Weer off to Granny's an won't be bak till Saterdy nite. Till then, may I poynt yu in the direkshun ov my sister, Dilly, hoo haz jus put up a video ov wen we all went to a Falconry Day the other week. Mummy got to hold lots of wols an a big hork.

Well I say WE went. Me an Grayum stayd in the car wiv sum Hug-Pants. Weer too small an mouse-cullerd to be arownd big hunty berds:
Also, pleez chek the advice I gayve to wun LittleTed yestaday. If yu can offer him eny mor advice on his problem, pleez add it to the comments. He duzz look ever so worreed in his foto so I kno heel appryshyate that!

I'll see yu agen on Saterday- don't ferget- ware yor bloos!

Bye fer now!

Advice on an impendin cat

I've reseevd an emayle from Little Ted, arskin fer sum advice. Heer is wat he rites:

Hello Bob, I have been enjoying reading your blog very much. I wish I could keep a diary too!! Anyway I have a problem you might help with. I live with lots of other bears and one not-a-bear. But just lately a ginger pussy cat has been spending a lot of time in our flat. The not-a-bear feels sorry for him as he's a little neglected. But I don't want this cat moving in and taking the place of me as chief hug giver. Plus the not-a-bear neglects the fact that she's allergic to the cat!! Well she's not allergic to me or the other bears so that's much better for her and for the hugs, don't you think? So what do i do about the cat?

Littleted

PS, Attaching a photo of me and my friend Bert. I'm the one in the red jumper.

Hmm...well, Little Ted, that's a bit ov a pozer. As yu ar wun ov menny Bears in the howse, I suggest yu hold a General Howse Meetin Ov Bears immeedietly. Do so in a room wiv no TV an no pants, so that things get underway kwikly, wivowt distrakshun.

I think yor best way forwerd is (a) find owt wy she likes the cat, and (b) go on strike.

(a) Is it jus coz the cat looks neglektid? If so, scruff yorself(s) up as much as possibol, breev in so yu look starvd an hang arownd the fridge maykin groanin noyzes. It werks fer skoolkids evry Munday mornin, it cood werk fer yu. Soon she will be overcome wiv gilt at neglektin YU an will giv yu all her attenshun fer a wile. Hopefully Ginge will get bored waytin an find sumwun else to carfter him.

Iz it cos he is fluffy an soft? If so, roll yorself up in wun ov her softist jumpers, or her silkiest pants. Come to think ov it, this larst idea will mayke yu feel betta, enyway.

If it is jus coz she feels sorry fer him (femayles, speshaly, ar prone to this, I've notist) drag owt the Yellow Pages an leev them open on the "cat shelter" page. If ther is mor than wun page, pik the wun with the pik of the happyest lookin cats.

(b) As well as Cheef Hugger (wich I can see from yor fur, iz a post yu carry owt seeriosly an wiv due enthewsiasm) do yu hav eny other sponsibilitys? Like, fer exampol, I am tishoo-ishooer, navigaytor (on the dashbord on car jernys) an Keeper Ov The Shoppin List. If yu hav eny pozishuns on wich she relys, go on strike.

I'm afrayde yu mite hav to come to a compromise on this in the end. Cats do hav a way ov creepin in. Get yor side in ferst, kwik! Nayle yor demards to the dor ov the fridge. Or yews stiky taype, if this sownds too medievol. Yu shud inclood theez:

1. that yor pozishun of Cheef Hugger is safe
2. ginge gets his own bed (akchoolly this is REELLY important. Given their own freedom, cats sleep all over the playce, all the time. Mr Scooter, fer exampol, won't sleep in the sayme playce fer mor than a day. He sez he duzzent like playsis that hav cat hair all over them.)
3. he duzzent get to yews yu as a pillo an yu don't hav to be his frend (I knew a Welsh Bear, Ivor, hoo befrendid a cat. His eers never grew bak.)
4. Ginge gets de-flead (contray to the rewmor, the best anmols ar NOT the wuns wiv bilt-in lodgers.)

Hide rownd the corner an wotch as she reeds it. Wen she looks her giltiest, pop owt an mayke yor eyes reelly big. Never fayles. Sheel be huggin yu agen in no time. An jus rememba, YU wer there ferst. If she trys to tell yu that cats can be fun, tell her abowt Ivor, or arsk that Ginge comes wiv a saddol attatcht so that yu can go ridin, hav fun, an show him hooz boss from day wun!

All the best, LT! Good luk, an let us kno how it goze.

Sum Advice (5) fear ov dentists

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 2/10 (got Dilly)
• Day Score: 7.983/10
• Advent Calendar Pikcher: sum people walking along in strange hats

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Margaret left a message about being scared ov her dentist:

I wouldn't be so scared of going to the dentist if he
had a nice bear to work with. Maybe I should suggest it....

Well Margaret, yu could do. Or hav a look around the waiting room. There are often Bears hanging out in the corner among all the jigsaw puzzles an stuff.

Alternatively, take yor own. Yu can carry us in yor bag if yu like, we don't mind. Enyway, wunse there, focus on yor Bear's bravery (all Bears do brave) an act like yor brave too. Arfter a while you'll ferget that yor only acting. An by the time yu remember, it will be all over, an yu can take yor Bear shopping in his (or her) favrit shop. Probly wun that sells pants.
Bye fer now!

Query About My Hat

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: no
• Tesco: yes
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 20/10 (grayum tried to get me back at the same time but I ducked & he missed so I get to invoke the double your score rule)
• Day Score: 8/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Whilst going through my blog to translate bits that some of yu can't understand cos' you're not loquacious like me and can't speak "BEAR English", I came across a query that I hav neglected to answer.

I do apologise and bow down low to the ground in humble apologyness....... Oooooo there's a chocolate peanut under that bookshelf, I think I'll get that later.......

Anyway, Wookey's mum wrote this:

Hello Bob I have written to my local newspaper, you know the bit where you
write in if you can't find something you want...So I wrote asking where I could
buy a hat just like yours but they said they couldn't help me........ Can you
tell me where I can buy one the same as yours........I adore it its
soooooooooooooo cool...........Audrey (not a bear )

Hi Audrey. I take it yu mean my rather fetching hat in blue with the speshol in-built ear muffs:

Well, my mummy found this hat in a January sale of Christmas chocolate in Marks & Spencers. It came sitting on a chocolate penguin's head. I made short work of the penguin, and nicked his hat.

Ta-dar!

Bye fer now!

Answer to an email...

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Thank you fer all yor emails. I am workin on arnsering yor kwestions, inclooding inquiries regardin my grayte appreesheayshon ov pants, an how to play the game "Bear! Not-A-Bear!".

I hav also reseeved dis comment from Audrey Not-A-Bear:

Im sorry Bob,but as a little sister all my life I have to agree
with Dilly~ BOYS DO SMELL!!!!!!!! HONESTLY THEY DO SO

Love Audrey ( not a
bear)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Boys don't smell! We don't! Don't! I arskt my Daddy an an an he agrees wiv me so dere! An an an wot mummy sed about his socks issent troo! Dit issent! They don't walk downstairs to der wash basket on dere own steam! It issent troo an an an it issent even funny!

Sum Advice (4)

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: no
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10/10
• Day Score: 6.73291/10
  

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I hav reseeved an important qweery from Canneletto Bear. He writes:

hullo Bob i simpafize wiv you abowt your sister. I got one too. I wontid a hat
to keep my eers warm. But insted they brort home anuver bear. Sheez pink and
curly and smells of "Lavinda". Wot's rong wiv another brown bear? I still havont
got a hat and Im worryd abowt my eers in de winter. Wot advice can yu give me?

First of all, Canneletto, are yu by eny charnse Italyon? I hav an Italyon bear cuzzin. He graduaytid der sayme day as me from spy college. He's called Paulo. Terribol story. He was adoptid by a gerl an she maykes him wear a dress.

Enyway. Do yu hav a scarf? If so, try wrappin it round yor hed in a bandage motif an tukk it in under yor chin to stop it blowing away. Dis can act as an emergensy hat, as in "Oh deer, I brort my scarf but I reelly need a hat".

But yes, yu reelly shud hav wun fer winter. Try telling yor Not-A-Bears dat yu will refuse to do yor navigayting dewties on der car dashbord untill yo get wun. Dat'll scare dem, cos Not-A-Bears hate to get lost. Dere's allways sumthing on telly they want to get bak in time to see. If dey still won't tayke der hint, write to Farther Crismos for wun. Dat's how I got my first scarf. Lie down on der paper an get sumwun to draw round yor hed so dat he gets der rite size. I did dat fer my scarf an as yu can see from my photo, he got it rite.

Mummy bort me dis fetching hat to keep my ears warm in der winter >

As fer yor "lavinda" smelling sister. I agree, wot would ever be wrong wiv a brown bear? Wy did dey need to adopt a pink wun? I suspect dat dis poor bear was brort home from a rescue sanctuary, where stray bears go to get new homes. There's wun fer cats near where we liv. Try to remember dat she is BEAR first, an silly pink gerly sissy thing second. Yu could encurrage her to write to Father Crismos too, perhaps fer sum bloo clothes or a haircut.

Bye fer now!

Sum Advice (3)

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I have reseeved an email on der subject ov sport fer elderly Not-A-Bears. Spesifikelly myce.

Please Bob T Bear, I'm an old Mousie, would you like to give me advice? what sport could I do?I really need help...take care of yourself don't do too much...and have a good breakfast in the morning.all the best from Grandma Mousie.

Well, Grandma Mousie, dis iz a trikky wun. But luckily fer yu I happen to no a bit abowt myce. We hav sum living under der kitchen flor. Daddy wonts to catch dem an release dem in der woods (as dey are 'wood myce') but mummy thinks dey are coot an seecretly leeves dem 6 hazelnuts in der corner each nite.

a wood mowse,

not being

in der woods >

Sumtimes I hav hidden rownd der corner an wotched dem sneak out from behind der oven, grab a nut an run bak. But a few times I hav witnesst dem doin dere exersises. I pass dere rooteen on to yu:

Wot dey do iz pik up der hazelnut wiv deyer tail and lift it up an down to a count of 6. Den dey flik it up into der air, do a half flip bakwoods an catch it between deyer teef. (If yu don't hav teef left maybe yu cood try hookin it into an ear). Pleez tayk care as I think deez myce are quite yung.

As fer yor comments abowt me an brekfast, don't worry, I always share sum Weetabix wiv my daddy. I lyke it der same way as he duzz it- lots of milk an a grayte pile of sugar. Den a sip ov his tea an I am reddy fer all evenchewalitys.

Bye fer now!

Sum Advice (2)

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: MIST IT
• Tesco: no- an mummy sneakt out wivout me
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10
• Day Score: 6/10
  

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I have reseeved a cuppol ov kwestions from someone called Wondering hoo livs in Maine. (WOW I wotched a film called "Der Hunt Fer Red Oktober" wunse. Dit woz all abowt a submareen an in der end dey hid it in Maine.)

Wondering wrote:

Dear Bob - Dilly is very sweet looking even if she is sitting
on your head. Is she a spy too? Thank you for telling us how to tell if our bears are spies. I have quite a few and one is definitely a spy. I also have a monkey that I think might be a spy if the ear thing works for them too. What do you think?

Wondering
in Maine

S/he is, ov corse, referrin to der hewmiliating photo I published on Saturday morning wiv my little sister parked on my hed.

No, Dilly is not a spy! In fact she duzzent eevn beleev I'M wun. Wenever der subjekt comes up in our house she looks at der seeling an maykes a farting noyse throo her snowt. She wunse sed dat dere wud be less hot air in in der room if der fart woz reel an I stopped my "talk bowt spys". Well as yu can imagin, sumwun so synical cud never be a spy. Besides, she duzzent hav eny ears. (See "how to tell if yor bear is a spy".)

As fer yor monkey, yes, he may well be a spy. Der ears rool duz apply to Not-A-Bears. But yu must bear in mind (BEAR in mind! Hehehe!) dat Not-A-Bears are not as onnist an reliabol as bears an so dey mite lie abowt their spy staytus. Yu need to look out fer other synes as well, like if yu go to find dem sum days an dey're not there. Or dey suddenly appeer wiv a tan in December, wich may hint at a speshol mishon abrord. Novice spys offen forget their sun-blok.

Enyway, Wondering, now dat yu hav reveeled to der werld entire (well, not parts of China, perhaps) dat yor monkey is a spy, be on speshol alert. Remember wot I sed abowt der lisense to kill if his mishon is uncoverd.

Sum Advice (1)

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: yes
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 7/10
  Day Score: 7.3792/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

In my curpassity as a well travolled bear, I offen have other bears contaktin me fer advice. Mostly it's about how to cope wiv living wiv not-a-bears, or the stress ov being a spy. Take dis email I got yestaday from Barnaby an his frends:

well Bob,

my name is barnaby and i am stuck on top of a pyano wiv all my
beary bootiful frends
wen my mistress plays on the pyano we bounce
up
and down and sumtime i fal off
i tryed to rite on yr diry
butcood not so
my frend is ritin this for me
i wil tri to get a foto of me to send u
hugs
and cudals from barnaby and my
frendsxxxxxxxx

Well Barnaby, I reelly do erge yu to get yor mistress to put a cushon on the floor fer yu to land on, so dat yu don't burst yer beads. But kwyte frankly dis sownds lyke der leest ov yor problems. Does yor wife no about dis mistress? How meny ov yu are there involved in these sesshons? I think yu shud take sum time out to think hard about wot yu want from life as a bear. Try sitting with one foot behind yor ear wen yu do this, I find it helps.

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